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Deadpool
, I think it is. Put the god damn sandwich down and come over here. I've got a story to tell.|Deadpool, breaking the fourth wall|}} Hello there, I'm Deadpool. You could also call me Wade Wilson, The Merc with a Mouth, or That guy with the spots on his face and body. And no, I know what your going to ask, and you'd better not. I'll have you know everything is just fine down there. You look confused. Surprised I'm talking directly to you, instead of being described in third person by some nerd? I don't roll that way. You see that fourth wall, the one that separates me from you? I break that wall with my mighty Kong fu chop! My life is hard to describe, considering the fact that I know nothing about my former life. Hell, I'm pretty sure Wade Wilson ain't my real name. I think I jacked it of some dude or some shit. Well, we can blame our beloved Weapon X project for that, can't we? Fucking bastards, taking lives away like that. Who knows, maybe I learned something that is a mystery to me in this life back then. Like why nobody slapped that bitch from the back when she was in charge of the show. Man, I love this sites policies. I can curse however fucking much I want and not get in trouble. Its like all my fucking world will rain down fire on me if I say "You're a dick" to Captain America. Oh, shit, I'm getting of topic. So, sit down and gets something to drink, preferably Scotch so I can jack it, and lets learn the mysteries of me! How I Came To Be Keep in Mind, folks, that my memory is gone. This is how I imagined it (Or is it?). is a DICK]] A long time ago, I was born in a log cabin in Canada to a Mr and Mrs Steel. I had three brothers and a sister, Tod, Smod, Lod, and Lois. Smod was the girl. We worked day in and day out on daddy's farm until we discovered something new: Cable Television. Lois grew up to be a gay prostitute, Smod took over the farm, Lod became a construction worker, and Tod died at the Battle of Normandy in Vietnam, or so they told me. I'm not good with history. All I know about that shit is that we are currently at war with Communist Britain and Fascist France, but its more of a Warm war, a war that doesn't involve much fighting. Kind of like our war with Nazi Afghanistan after World war three. I also had an identical Twin brother named Slade Wilson. He disappeared when I turned three. Turns out, he was transported to an Alternate Reality. A reality where I, because he is basically me, but more serious and murderous, beat the shit out of kids. Anyways, I used to get yelled at to work around the farm until I moved out at the age of twenty two. I moved into the big apple and made a name for myself as a standup comedian, until I got Genital cancer. I assume its some sort of sexually transmitted disease, since I was banging so many hookers. With no where else to turn, I went to the Weapon X Program. Weapon X Program Now, pay attention, this is the good part. When I went in, they started performing tests on me, starting with a Healing Factor. Then they decided I wasn't up to their bullshit "Wolverine standards", and so I was a failed super soldier. So this doctor, Dr. Killebrew, ended up with me and threw me into his evil experiments. That's were I got my name. There was a "Dead pool" on who would last the longest. I went three weeks. I saw visions, man. This chick, Death, I kept seeing her. She was hawt. Well, anyway, Kill-whatever took away my cancer, but I got made into a walking talking Zit face. At this point I preceded to take his Pencil out of his lab jacket and tear at his face, maim him, and cut off his tiny little balls. Yes, they were the tiniest I have ever seen. One inch. they were like little berries. Fucking hilarious. After that, I killed a security guard, took his Colt .45, and shot my way out. Kids, try this at school. Its fun as hell. Oh, wait, I mean don't try this in school. Deadpool mess up. Costumed days You still listening? You'd better be, I'm not just talking for the hell of it. Well, after I got out, my memory kind of blurred. Weapon X had fucked it up. So, I made up the above back plot for myself as I took the train to Los Angelos. yeah, that's right, it's (as far as I know, and I certainly don't) fake. Got beef? The suit is my skin, fuck my body. It was a costume of a professional wrestler over in Vegas. He was my first contract job. *Pop*, one bullet to the head through an M14 with a scope. The mask came later, after I killed some guy who thought he was Spider-man. The guns and ammo I got as I made money. The swords are Samurai swords from Japan. I'm good with them, probably better than Wolverine, though he'll fight to the death to find out. Oh yeah, Weasel. He's cool. He tells me what particular bitch I need to cut in order to get my money's worth. I'd say he's my closest friend. He eats my cheesy puffs, I stab him, and what happens? I get wet. Then again, I'd say I banged Jessica Alba, so you can't take my word for anything. Everything I say is a lie. See, even that was a lie. Anyhow, I worked for this Mr. Tolliver guy. He sent me after this group of kids called the New Mutants. I shot 'em down and sliced 'em up, until my bitch of an ex Copycat shot me in the back. I didn't know it was her at the time, since she was in disguise, but she had that angry ex sent to her. This Cable guy sent me back to him in a box. It was half embarrassing and half hilarious. I'd later find out how big a bitch Copycat really was. I was sent to see her by that dude when he thought her allegiance was in question. She freaked on me and said I ruined her life like all exes due, and Cable came in. He had heard that she was a fake, and shot her right there. What a ladies man, eh? We fought each other, but I escaped with her limp body. Cable tracked us down and attacked that Tolliver guy, but I ducked out after some fisticuffs, realizing this ain't no business o' mine. I joined this team called X-Force, mainly because of this hot braid i met and fought when under that guys employment. Her name was Siryn. Only latter did I find out she was the daughter of Banshee, the Scottish X-Man with a temper. I decided this chick wasn't worth it after I had to fight her Uncle. At the same god damned time I'm fighting this guy and the Juggernaut, I'm trying to protect copycat. Yes, the bitch that shot me. At this point I can't even remember what I was fighting for,, only that I got layed afterwords. Oh, yeah, and that she attempted to sacrifice herself to save me. I forgot about that one. Well, anyway, she ditched me for this guy named Kane, a real weapon X super soldier playboy bastard. I chased them as far and wide as they went. I even encountered Mr Wolvie for the first time. Kitty had no Adamantium claws back then. We fought, he slashed me with them bony things, and I won by puncturing his lungs and slicing off at his balls. I wonder why he never got pissed at me about that? Maybe it grew back bigger. That's something I gotta try...... Well, anyways, getting back on track, I attacked Kane, defeated him, and confronted Copycat. All I wanted to do was talk, but she started bitch slapping me. I raised my hand, Wolverine got up and got pissy, started slashing at me, and I decided I'd had enough, and teleported out of there. That was the end of my so called "villain" days, as the community said it was. I just saw it as the end of one party and the beginning of another. Days as an Anti-Hero hero... Or...... Whatever WAKE THE FUCK UP, its time for the next instillation of the story of Deadpool. I shacked up in this old cruddy house in San Francisco with Weasel and my old friend/enemy/maid/bitch/target/momma/slash/slash/uhh... woman like woman/old British intelligence agent Blind Al. Well, Weasel came on his own, but I.... uh.... confiscated the old girl. Other than when a have to cut a bitch (usually Weasel) for taking on of my cheese puffs, we get along well. Well, at least, we get along well since Blind Al can't see all the pranks I pull on her. She brought along her demon of a seeing eye dog, but at least he never wet the..... uh.... well, the floor. I really need to get some shag carpeting. Anyways, I went at odds with the likes of other mercenaries, such as T-Ray, Taskmaster and Bullseye, but continuously came out on top. Then, some real bullshit happened. I got this glove, one I had lost to Siryn's bastard of an uncle, and got her to help him track him down. When we got there, that bastard Killebrewniski or whatever his fucking name was was their. He told me that I was dying, that my molecular structure was doing some flip flop or something like that, and that my cancer was going to relapse. Apparently, when I made my first boring heroic act, I got gamma radiation that killed my cells. So, yeah, the dick makes me attack The Incredible fucking Hulk to find out. I survived just barely, and went back to him. My healing powers brought back my finger and calmed down my genes or whatever, but my healing factor was having a huge case of the fails. After a disastrous fling with Typhoid Mary, yes, the super villainess, things got back to normal. And no, I will not tell that story. Not a chance. It's embarrassing to us all. What the hell? This is where things get....... odd. After recovering from a...... wound.... I gained in the prior chapter, I joined these guys at Landau, Luckman, and Lakes'. They are like the law firm of the universe, apparently. Well, apparently, I'm have a destiny for greatness. Who would have thought? Anyway, apparently I'm "Mithras", and my job is to protect some "Messiah" guy. But this prick known as "Tiamat" was going to attack the Messiah, so I had to protect him. A load of bull, if you ask me. I was initially against the job, because I was depressed. Weasel had left me, as had Blind Al, and my occasional partner/friend/enemy Bullseye had. Hell, even the Goddamned dog left me! But, then, I saw the huge sum of cash for my services, and I joined up. Oh, and they told me that things would go back to normal, and sprang out singing "Don't Worry, be Happy". I really wasn't paying any attention, because I was to busy counting dollar bills. Well, I did still need to think about it. But, as I thought about it and learned that they're other predictions were coming true, I decided to thank them. So, naturally, I kidnapped the guy that told me the secret, a guy named Montgomery. Well, after I thanked him, we talked about life, love, booze, Vodka in particular, his crush on some Zoey chick, and humor. He was a cool guy. Well, they took him back and mind wiped him. The he told me about how I had to /kill/ this guy. He expected that wouldn't be a problem, but I had a case of the conscious, and I ended up refusing. I thought I'd come to far for that. Well, I went to see Siryn, and it didn't turn out that well. Lets just say she was.. uh.... sleeping.... and Cable walked in.... and...... You don't really have to know that. What you do have to know is I went back, and said I'd do it, begrudgingly. All the while, this Dixon... well.......... Dick, guy who was a ruthless prick, was ordering us around. Me, Zoey, and Monty, that is. We were actually about to deal with him, when we discovered that Tiamat had manifested himself, and killed some dude. I think his name was No-something or other. Anyways, Tiamat turned out to be some Egyptian god who we had to fight. We started to fight him, when we found cave painting, or whatever, of exactly what was going on. I didn't know this of course, and ended up having to teleport out with Noah's belt due to wounds I got in the fight. Christ, wound, wounds, and more god damned wounds! I swear, every person in my universe should be dead with these wounds. With the exception of people with those bullshit healing factors.... Oh wait, that's me.. Well, getting back on topic, I went back to my home, to find a bomb go off in my face. Then, this cool hippie dude saved my life, and revealed to me he was the fourth L in LL&L. Just like a soap opera, eh? He ended up sending us back in time, were the events that I will not describe were seen before my eyes ye again. Its half the reason I won't tell it. But, all you need to no, dearies, is that I saw Zoey say I had potential to be heroic, and this gave me back any self esteem I had lost, not to mention a massive boner. All the while, that Dixon bastard brought in Captain Fucking America to replace me. When I got back, I was pissed. Well, then the whole story got turned upside down. Turned out Tiamat was in fact the good guy, out to stop the messiah from making us ll mindless slaves. Jeez people, I really need to kill my writers. They seem to just twist and turn the story every which way. I freezed, and had no idea what to do. Then Al came to me in a vision, or so I seem to imagine, (maybe time travel makes you high?), and told me event he greatest of heroes have self doubt, and that he shouldn't...... blah, blah, blah. I was too busy watching the yellow flying stick thingy fly around her head. Yes, time travel makes you high. Regardless of being high or not, I knew what I had to do. Right after I downed a gallon of Mountain Due, I would go help Dick of America and save the world. Oh yeah, and this Freak of nature tried to take my candies. Yeah, well, your still here, ain't ya? Grovel at my feet, bitch. This Is Where They Get It wrong Up 'till now, the comics followed suit, right? Well, they don't tell the real story, and only I know it, because I hate that damned fourth wall. I was staking out this hit for the mafia, when Sabretooth grabs me by the throat and tells me to "Scream for him". So, naturally, I screamed for him in a little girls shrilly voice. He got pissed. Are mutants ever happy? Anyways, he tells me the Weapon X protect is back, and wants me in. I, naturally say, fuck no, and he drags me along anyways. The doctors were all pretty decent, except that one dude that tried to impress me with the "Wassup" quote. They give me back my healing factor, and they cure my fugliness for an hour, so long as I agree to think about rejoining. So, now that I'm sexy again, I do. I spend a week in a tub of purple stuff, driving the doctors who see my deformed balls nuts and singing every annoying song I know from the '30s on up to the current year in order. Actually, one of the doctors committed suicide just so he didn't have to hear me anymore. I think I was on "Disco Duck", by Rick Dees. Anyways, when I come out, guess who I find? Asshole Kane, aka the prick that stole Copycat from me. Apparently, we have to work together. So we get sent to Kansas, were some mutant had blown up a city. So, after making fun of Kane, we encounter this huge wall of fire, which turns out to be a kid. I calm him down and tell him it will be all right, and..... And Kane shoots him. Fucker. I got so pissed I went back and said I was done, but then they threatened Copycat, and told me to kill her. I couldn't just shoot the guy in charge, because he had an implant in me that prevented it. How did that fucking happen? Did I get fucked up one night and not remember? Oh, yeah, the Rave party..... Anyways, I go to copycat, who can't seem to keep her morphs together, and was going to protect her, when Kane the asshole blows the fucking building out from under us. I got us out and stole a Taxi, but he got an upgrade, apparently with XL radio, satellite TV, Mozilla Firefox and Chatzilla, an RPG hand, wolverine claws, and a toaster. He jumps on the back of the Taxi and starts tearing it apart, so I whip out my gun and spray bullets at him Drive By GTA style. Unfortunately, in the process, I smashed the Taxi into the wall of the local zoo. 'Nessa, as I like to call Copycat, couldn't keep her shape together, and the pedestrians were staring, so I let loose my MP7 into the air, and made them all run in fear. 'Nessa could always hold an animal form better than a human form, so we hid her with the apes and I went after Kane. I found him by the Lion enclosure, so I figured I'd give him the VIP tour. I tossed him in with the lions, and told him what an insensitive piece of Tecno shit he was, and he blasted me through the stomach with his cannon. I healed, all the while the cats falling in on me and the Tecno shit eater bragging about how over Copycat he was. I loosed my MP7 on him, but he drew his claws on me, the same damn ones that Wolvie uses, and attacked me. I pulled a Spider-Man as he tore me up and rappled him to the monorail, ran him over with it, and blew him up. He blew green flame. Orange Flames are fun, blue is nice, but green is fucking awesome! Anyways, I go back to see 'Nessa, only to find that she is dead, and her blood is smeared on the walls, saying "Sabretooth was here". I loaded up on ammo and went after the bastard. First thing was first, though. I went all Arnold on myself and tore the chip out of my brain. Commando style, Motha' Fucka'! Please, that's a bit far, even for me. Well, before I know it, the plans gone to hell. I'm being chased by a Secret Agent, two very angry mutants, and a mob of Nazi looking baddies with G3s. I got hit by a few thousand bullets, got my leg burned off by Sauron, and got my neck but by Wildchild. I got them off my trail with a huge boom, switched suits, and infiltrated their headquarters. I blew through the guards, and was confronted by Sabretooth. Mr kitty, unfortunately, was strong as hell, could survive a grenade in the face, but he had a bit of trouble when I stuck a sword through his throat. Unfortunately, I was unlucky. It turns out that they had something in me that melted me from the inside. I did die with my middle finger up, though. Well, this is where the comics are wrong, at least in your dimension. I died, and was sent before that chick I dreamed about, Death. She was quite attracted to me, and we had great sex. I wooed here nice and good, then told her I didn't want to die. She told me she can't break the rules, but she can, in a way, bring me back. And so Deadpool died, and a man was born in Texas, in your reality, on December 18, 1956, and was in the navy in Vietnam. The man went on to do stand up comedy in 1987. He toured in the Blue Color Comedy tour, and was addicted to drugs, smoked cigars, and drank scotch on stage. Sound familiar? Yeah, Deadpool, AKA Wade Wilson, the Merc with a mouth, is now, in your reality, stand up comedian Ron White. Yup, Tater Salad. My son is Tater Tot. And so, now, I sit on this computer, with no pants on, thinking about the old times. And you know what? Things couldn't be better. Hell, I've traveled were no comic book character has ever gone before: Real life! Wow, ain't that a kick. But I have a something new to ponder. How do I break the fifth wall? Wow, i have a headache. Better put down the cigar and pick up a scotch. Movies And now, I'm in real life to see you people make a movie of me. I've lived three lifetimes, if you count the one I can't remember, and look who I get played by! Ryan Reynolds, AKA Van Fucking Wilder. Well, I haven't seen the movie yet, so if he doesn't do well, I still have a leftover service pistol from the Navy..... But, anyways, that's all I got. Come see my next show, people, in Bangkok, or bangcock, or whatever. I'll be telling the tater salad story. I love that story, it never gets old. Also, see X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its got me in it, so it has to be good, at the least. And, of course, keep reading about Deadpool, because I'm still there, just not as funny, because now, I'm real. Ain't that a kick. External Links * Deadpool at the Marvel Database * Category:Jokers Category:Self-reference Category:The Wilsons